Do you avoid conflict?
If so, I recommend you keep reading.
We all need peace of mind while doing our work. We don't want to be bothered by the actions or comments of other stakeholders, whether internal or external to the organization. That's why we are masters of the art of discretion, ensuring professional harmony at any cost, so we can survive the complex political game of organizations.
But what if what we do to avoid conflict is what leads us to it?
What if conflict were the great ally to achieve the much-desired balance needed in many spheres of life?
What if what's truly important is to reconcile with the real need that the conflict is trying to address?
What if the conflict had as many manifestations as there were instigators causing it?
In this article I present some ideas to promote constructive conflict, and in this way stop indirectly promoting toxic conflict.
We fear conflict. We reject it. It makes us uncomfortable. We've been taught in countless ways, and from different contexts, that it's best to stay out of trouble. In fact, our collectivist culture encourages us to strive for harmony, even if it sometimes involves a degree of dishonesty or, at least, a lack of transparency.
Whether you're the type to throw water on a fire to put it out, or prefer to add gasoline to make it burn even more, you should know that the art of "mastering the fire of conflict" will take you, as a professional, as well as your team, to a high-value-added performance level.
Successful management of future results is not possible without efficient and constructive conflict management.
Below are some ideas for learning how to promote conflict in a healthy way, rather than avoiding it:
Identify the root of the conflict
Does the conflict have a creative and healthy purpose, or is it a reactive and harmful conflict? To distinguish between the two, we must pay attention to how the focus is on the person.
Do we take it personally? Or do we know how to focus on the facts, maintaining a neutral and respectful attitude towards the person? Becoming aware of whether my reactive or creative side is in control will be the first step in knowing what I should do to manage the situation.
Conflicts arise from roles, not from people
We must remember that we all fulfill specific functions within the various systems to which we belong. Often, this burden of responsibility associated with the "role-self" is what triggers the problem, as it is obligated to provide a response that the "person-self" may neither need nor desire. Clarifying these two realities will help explain one's position to others, making it easier to be more constructive.
Understanding that people can become very pressured, and can even suffer greatly from the pressures exerted by their systemic roles, will increase the feeling of empathy and understanding, which are the two great unblockers of conflicts.
Observe yourself from the outside
If we had the superpower to split ourselves in two so we could observe ourselves in certain contexts, it would surely help us improve our responsiveness, and we would save ourselves from many actions that we end up regretting.
Perhaps this superpower isn't acquired overnight, nor does it seem very accessible, especially during moments of amygdala hijacking. But it is possible to begin exploring and reflecting on this "detached perspective," simply by asking ourselves what needs all the parties involved are trying to fulfill and how those needs could be respected.
Keep the phases of the hostility curve in mind
As Allaire and McNeill, emotional management during conflict will determine its duration and successful resolution. It is important to understand that rational stability can be lost due to the initial outburst, followed by a slowing, in which pressure is reduced if there is no external provocation; then, the coping , in which empathy with the opposing viewpoint is initiated; this leads to the cooling, which makes it possible to return to the emotional stability needed to find solutions to the conflict.
Either you promote constructive conflict, or you will end up being complicit in toxic conflict
In a professional setting, and especially when you hold a level of responsibility within teams, "not taking action" rarely yields positive results. Many managers "wash their hands" of the issue, thinking it will prevent it from blowing up, and they mistakenly believe the problem will simply fade away. The reality is that, in most cases, maintaining this attitude actually leads to a poor image as leaders—the very thing they were trying to avoid by doing nothing.
Find your limits
The downside of conflict is that it often makes everyone uncomfortable, both those involved and strangers. The upside is that it helps us grow both individually and in our relationships and as a team. Those who recognize the opportunity for improvement that conflict presents are the ones who will clearly "upgrade" their level of personal development. And if this is mutual with the other people involved, it will, in turn, improve the future health of their shared system.
Start by looking for the Minimum Necessary Conflict
Someone who is overly accommodatingand needs to be liked isn't going to become very assertive in the short term. Let's not kid ourselves. But they can start setting challenges to begin taking (realistic) risks to generate (or at least sustain) constructive conflict. Asking themselves in key situations, "What is the minimum conflict I am willing to provoke or take on for the common good?" will help them take the first step in this direction.
Identify your conflict management mentors
What if we were able to see the people we're in conflict with as "teachers" instead of "enemies"? However difficult they may seem to manage, the solution won't lie in what they do or don't do, but in the decisions I ultimately make when interacting with them. I'll continue to encounter "these difficult people" in my life unless I adjust some aspect of my personal leadership.
Understand the interplay of polarities and build bridges.
Every time I clearly take a stand in one direction, I'm inviting someone else in my system to clearly take the opposite stand. Indeed, what is life if not this continuous interplay of polarities in search of a sustainable balance? In your team, are you someone who likes to take sides, or do you prefer to build bridges?
When you have a conflict with someone, remember that you and they are "ONE".
And here's an idea that might be difficult to grasp, but it's pure common sense: Human beings, as part of nature, are not independent entities. We are all part of the same thing. We are driven by the same things. We are THE SAME. Because we are all life.
It's easy to realize that I'm often defending a position in a conflict with someone I see as very different from me, and after some time I'm the one adopting that role.
Madness? Or are we ONE?
Enric Arola
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